


without a fight (why aren't i moving?)

by thisissirius



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Long-Distance, M/M, Military AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-24
Updated: 2020-02-24
Packaged: 2021-02-28 02:00:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,799
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22885924
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thisissirius/pseuds/thisissirius
Summary: “Not long, I promise,” Eddie says. He touches the screen, traces the lines of Buck’s face. Buck’s cheeks are stained, Christopher a dead weight against his shoulder. Eddie’s chest aches with how much he misses them.“I know.” Buck tries for a smile and misses.Something explodes in the distance and Eddie flinches. “I—”“Have to go,” Buck says with a sad smile. “Stay safe, Diaz.”or the military reunion an anon asked for
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 28
Kudos: 729





	without a fight (why aren't i moving?)

**Author's Note:**

> for an anon on tumblr.
> 
> (includes translation links and returns ;))

**The strong will never fall**

“Not long, I promise,” Eddie says. He touches the screen, traces the lines of Buck’s face. Buck’s cheeks are stained, Christopher a dead weight against his shoulder. Eddie’s chest aches with how much he misses them. 

“I know.” Buck tries for a smile and misses. 

Something explodes in the distance and Eddie flinches. “I—” 

“Have to go,” Buck says with a sad smile. “Stay safe, Diaz.”

Eddie nods because lying’s never come easy. “I love you, Evan.”

Buck’s face falls and he looks like he might cry again. He’ll never complain, never yell that Eddie can’t keep doing this, but Eddie feels it anyway. His last tour, he promised, and he desperately wants to get home so that he can never leave. 

“I love you too.” Buck presses a kiss to his fingers and touches the screen. “Come home.”

“See you soon,” Eddie says. Another promise he can’t make without the possibility of breaking it. He turns off the video link and moves. There’s never time to just take a moment and grieve. He’s shifting back into army mode before he’s even left the tent, but his boys are never forgotten. 

**Love isn’t always fair**

Buck wakes up every morning because Christopher needs him to. 

He gets them both ready; breakfast, clothes and teeth, school stuff. He calls Carla, drives to school and kisses Christopher goodbye. Christopher always, always, throws his arms around Buck’s neck and whispers, “Love you.”

Only when Christopher’s safely in school, sitting in his truck in the parking lot, does Buck let out a shaky breath. He bites back on the tears because Eddie doesn’t like it when he cries, and God knows he can’t spare any more of them. 

Home is always too quiet so he heads for the one place he knows will never turn him away. Eddie’s Abuela is waiting by the door and Buck doesn’t know how she knows. (One day she’ll tell him; hold him close, kiss his cheek and whisper, “Chris, always texting me about you, Evanito.”) Stepping out of the truck feels like the hardest thing he’s ever done, but then Isabel’s arms are around him and he chokes back a sob. 

“Dime lo que sucedio,” she says. [[1](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22885924#note1)]

“He called,” Buck starts, following Isabel into the house. “There was an explosion and he—” Buck pauses. “I hate not knowing and how long it takes to know—”

“Stop.” Isabel places her hands on his face. “Eddie is a good boy. He will come home. For Chris, for  _ you _ . Believe that, nieto[[2](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22885924#note2)], and everything else will come out well.”

Buck nods, swallowing past the lump in his throat. Isabel never tells him anything but the truth and though his heart cracks to think of Eddie out there alone, in danger, he needs to keep moving. 

“Now,” Isabel says, “come help me cook.”

  
  


**Sometimes I just wanna cave**

Eddie stares down at his hands. They won’t stop shaking. 

“Diaz.”

Eddie looks up, clenching his hands into fists. “Captain French.”

His commander, scarred inside and out from her tours, has a look on her face that makes Eddie’s breath catch. 

“You’re sending me home.”

“Nobody would expect you to stay.”

Eddie does. Every fibre of his being is screaming at him not to be a coward. “Sir, please.”

“I thought you’d be eager to get back.”

Eddie closes his eyes. He can’t go back to Buck and Christopher like this; flayed into a million pieces. He’ll destroy them all. He thinks he says as much. 

“Son,” his commander says, eyes grave. “You think that gets any better if you stay?”

There are nights when Eddie can’t sleep. Screams echo in his ears, the stench of burning flesh, the coarse texture of sand threatening to overwhelm his senses. “I’ll hurt them.”

“You already are. Let them fight for you, to protect you.”

**Like a bird without a song**

Buck meets Eddie in a bar. 

“My wife just left me,” is the first thing Eddie says. 

“Cool,” Buck replies. “My girlfriend did the same.”

They don’t hook up that night, but they do two nights later in the bathroom of a club. Buck comes with Eddie’s hand on his dick, Eddie’s tongue in his mouth, and some asshole banging on the door. 

They don’t meet again until Buck’s handling a rescue at school — and Eddie’s there with his son. It’s embarrassingly quick after that; Buck falls in love one movie at a time. He builds them into a family one pizza at a time. 

Then Eddie says, “I’m in the military and my tour’s up.”

Buck’s world collapses in on itself. 

  
  


**They must have left with all my faith**

Buck’s not sure if he can do this. 

“Cap,” he starts, refusing to meet Bobby’s eyes. 

Bobby, who’s spent months telling Buck he’s got what it takes. Who makes sure to enquire after Christopher, after Eddie, and gives support willingly. Telling him that Buck’s sliding down a backward slope feels like so much failure. 

“I can’t do this,” he blurts, clenching his hands so he doesn’t have to see them shake. 

Bobby’s silent for a beat, two. “Buck—”

“I want this,” Buck says, his voice wavering. “I need this, for Christopher and for — for myself,” he stutters, “but I can’t  _ do this _ .”

“Hey,” Bobby says, coming around the table and putting his hands on Buck’s shoulders. Buck meets his eyes finally, because he can’t not and he needs someone, something to hold him up when he feels like crumbling into a million pieces. “You’re stronger than you give yourself credit for, Buck — Evan. It’s not easy, I know that. I can see it,” Bobby amends when Buck opens his mouth to say something. “Christopher worships the ground you walk on and I don’t doubt Eddie does the same.”

“I want him home,” Buck admits, swallowing down the urge to scream. “It’s like,” he paused, fist against his chest. “I can’t do this anymore.”

Something crosses Bobby’s face and he sighs. “That’s a conversation you need to have with Eddie. But Buck, if I know anything about that man,” and Buck’s told them enough for a lifetime, for two, “he’d do anything if it meant you didn’t have to worry.”

Buck wants to believe it, but why’s Eddie  _ there _ instead of here, with Buck?

“Sometimes,” Bobby starts, guiding Buck to one of the chairs around the table. He sits, folding his hands on the table and staring at them, at his bare fingers. “It can be a difficult thing, having a loved one serve. We feel it here,” Bobby gestures at his chest, “and maybe we never get over the silence and the fear, the gnawing emotions that threaten to overwhelm us. But I promise you, Buck, whatever you’re feeling? Eddie’s feeling too. Along with everything else he’s got going on. Don’t think his serving in any way demeans or belittles his feelings for you, or yours for him.”

Buck knows it. He’s a firefighter; he chose to be one, and Eddie’s stood by his decision even if he knows, too, that it’s dangerous. That he’s got a high chance of not coming home either and Christopher—

Christopher would lose him, and though the thought of it clutches at Buck’s chest and refuses to let go, it’s a decision (selfish?) that he made, just like Eddie. 

“I miss him,” Buck whispers, afraid that saying it too loud would echo like a scream. 

  
  


**I am lost, I am lost**

“I miss you, Daddy,” Christopher says. 

Eddie feels the lump in his throat, can’t breathe for a beat. “I miss you too, mijo[[3](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22885924#note3)].”

The tent around him’s busy and he’s struggling to find the quiet he needs to make the call private. He ducks behind one of the filing cabinets, crouches in the corner and gives Christopher as real a smile as he can manage. “How’s school?”

“Good,” Christopher says, and launches into his day, his projects, everything. Eddie listens, hopes he’s got time, because it’s been so long. “Daddy?”

“Yeah, Christopher?”

“Bucky’s sad.” 

Eddie closes his eyes for a beat. “I know, Chris.”

Christopher’s expression is thoughtful and he looks off camera. Eddie doesn’t know who’s watching him; Buck’s at work. “Maybe we can make him happy.”

“Nothing I want more,” Eddie breathes, feeling the truth down to his bones. “Daddy’s trying, sweetheart.”

“I know.” Christopher’s faith is a treasure Eddie’ll never be worthy of. “He gets his shield soon, Daddy.”

God, how’s a whole year passed? Eddie feels like part of his life’s slipped away and he’ll never get it back. 

“Don’t be sad,” Christopher says. 

“Mijo,” Eddie says, his heart breaking. “Is Carla there?”

Christopher yells for Carla and Eddie gives himself a moment. He needs to be home, needs to hold Buck and Christopher in his arms and refuse to leave. For that, he needs Carla. 

  
  


**Still couldn’t be anymore in the dark**

“You all right, Buckaroo?”

“Yeah,” Buck says, leaning against the firetruck. He’s ready for the adrenaline crash, but it still knocks him for six every time. “That one was close, huh?”

Hen shrugs, sits on the edge of the step. She looks at her hands, then up at him. “You and Christopher wanna come over?”

Buck frowns. “I’m okay, Hen. Honest.”

“Sure.” Hen raises her eyebrows. She’s a good friend, Buck doesn’t know what he’ll do if she ever decides not to be, but sometimes he wishes his friends cared a touch less. (He doesn’t, please don’t.) “Buck—”

“I know everyone’s trying to help,” Buck says, staring down at his shoes. “It just feels like — I worry I can’t handle this, and I know I told Bobby I can’t, but I’m an adult and Christopher is safe—”

“Hey,” Hen says, standing in front of him, hands on his arms. “Buck, nobody’s saying that.”

Buck blinks, words sticking in his throat. “No?”

“No.” Hen’s voice is hard, tone unyielding. “I couldn’t do what you do,” she admits slowly. “You’re strong, never let anyone tell you different. But Buck, it’s okay to ask for help. You know that too, right?”

“Yeah,” Buck says, then pauses. “I just — if Eddie thinks I can’t handle it, what if he doesn’t leave Christopher with me again?”

Something in Hen’s expression makes him panic, but he doesn’t know what it is. 

“Hen,” he starts.

“You’re an idiot.” Hen folds her arms across her chest and Buck stares, tries to think over what he’s said and what he did wrong. “Do you think for one moment Eddie would have left Christopher with you if he didn’t trust you implicitly?”

Buck shakes his head because no, he doesn’t. “But we only knew each other—”

“That man trusts you,” Hen says, and Buck knows better than to refute it. “Trust yourself as much, Buck. You might be surprised.”

  
  


**Leave your fears behind**

Eddie lands, tired, aching, and desperate to see his boys. 

There’s two familiar faces waiting at the gate. 

“Mijo,” Eddie breathes, and Christopher’s falling into his arms, crying as they hug. “I missed you so much.”

The noise of the crowd, so loud and imposing just a second ago, fades to nothing. Eddie’s home and he’s got his son. Everything’s almost perfect. When he can pull himself away, hand on Christopher’s head as he looks him over, thanks everyone he knows that he’s alive and can do so, he looks beyond Christopher.

“Thank you for bringing him.”

“It’s fine,” Carla says, and accepts the kiss Eddie plants on her cheek. “Your Buck is a saint.”

“I know,” Eddie says softly, thinking of Buck. He wants to see him. “How long do we have?”

Carla looks at her watch. “Not enough time for you to change.”

Eddie shrugs. “I don’t care what I wear.”

“Doubt he will either,” Carla mutters, nod loud enough for Chris to hear, but Eddie can feel himself flush anyway. God, that’s something he wants to think about later, when Christopher’s in bed and he’s got Buck all to himself. “Come on, soldier. Let’s get you to the church in time.”

Picking up his pack, Eddie keeps one hand on Christopher as they leave the terminal and laughs. 

Permanent and Buck are things he rarely lets himself think about. Being in the army stops  _ permanent _ being something he can wish for. He knows Buck loves him. He loves Buck. They both love Christopher. It’s always been enough and Eddie doesn’t think that’ll stop, but permanent comes after this;

Home, time, them. 

  
  
  
  


**My everything depends on you**

It’s a special day. 

“You ready for this, Buck?” Chim’s leaning against the wall, giving Buck the once over. 

Buck shrugs, staring at himself in the mirror. It’s not like the unform’s new, but he still doesn’t know if — he doesn’t know whether this is gonna make a difference. “You ever wanna stop being a firefighter?”

Chim’s silent for a beat. “Remember the rebar?”

Buck winces. “Duh.”

“Not even then,” Chimney says, coming to stand next to Buck. “If it’s what you want, Buck, it’s not a wrong decision.”

“I don’t think it’s wrong,” Buck starts, making a face. “I just— can’t think about just myself anymore.”

There’s an unreadable expression on Chimney’s face. 

“What?”

“Nothing,” Chimney says, smirking. “You’re growing up so quickly.”

“Fuck off,” Buck says immediately. 

“Bad word!” Christopher’s voice comes through the door and Buck winces, ignoring Chimney’s laugh. “Can we come in?”

“Sure you can, buddy,” Buck yells. The door opens and Maddie ushers Christopher through the door. 

“Hey,” Buck says, accepting the hug from sister and son both. (God, is that okay to think? He’s not even sure of anything and Buck hates not having solid ground beneath his feet.)

Maddie’s smiling, eyes wet and oh no, if she starts, Buck won’t stop. “Everyone’s out there.”

No they’re not. Buck doesn’t say it, but he can see Maddie’s heard it anyway, that Christopher hugs his legs a little tighter. Buck’s never missed Eddie quite so viscerally before. This is a big moment and Buck wants him desperately to be there, to be proud. 

“I wish Daddy was here,” Chris says. 

“Me too,” Buck whispers, closing his eyes. 

The silence drags for one moment, two, and then Maddie curls a hand around Buck’s wrist. “Come on. Everyone’s waiting.”

Buck takes a deep breath, doesn’t remember if he releases it as he’s walking out to where friends, family, and colleagues are gathered. 

_ I miss you, Eddie, _ he thinks.

  
  
  


**A love that i could not forsake**

Bobby puts a hand on Buck’s shoulder. “After a year of hard work and dedication, I am proud to officially declare, that your probationary period is at an end.”

There’s a murmur of appreciation and Buck can’t stop grinning. Whatever pain he’s got pressing against his chest, however much he misses Eddie, he’s got most of his family right there. He’s a firefighter and he can be damn proud of himself. 

“Welcome to the Los Angeles Fire Department, Firefighter Buckley.”

Bobby shakes his hand and the cheers start. Buck’s chest swells with pride and he’s gotta be grinning like an idiot. “Thanks, Bobby.”

“Don’t thank me yet,” Bobby says, and then he’s tugging Buck closer. “Look to your left.”

Buck frowns, turns to look over his shoulder and freezes. 

It’s like those stupid videos he watches of soldiers returning home. It’s torture, something he’s always wished for but never expected. And now here’s Eddie, Christopher on one hip, holding a helmet in his free hand. 

“Oh,” Buck says. He sounds stupid but if he takes a breath, moves a muscle, he’s not sure he can stay standing. 

“Congratulations,” Eddie says. 

Buck can feel his eyes stinging with tears and he’s stumbling towards Eddie, hands reaching for him, and Eddie envelopes Buck in a hug and Buck can feel the sob wrenched from his throat.

“I’m here,” Eddie whispers, pressing his face into Buck’s neck. 

Buck shakes apart in his arms and Eddie holds him together. 

“Oh god,” Buck says. “Eddie.”

“I’m here, cielito[[4](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22885924#note4)].” Eddie leans back, kisses Buck softly on the mouth. Buck stares at him, almost afraid Eddie will disappear if he closes his eyes. Eddie touches his cheek, thumb brushing his bottom lip. “I’m never leaving you again.”

“Don’t Eddie,” Buck says, his voice breaking. 

“I promise,” Eddie stresses, staring at Christopher, who’s clinging to the both of them. “I’m here for you both. For good.”

If Buck starts crying, Eddie’s grateful no one mentions it.

Throwing his arms back around Eddie, Buck hides his face in Eddie’s shoulder. Eddie cradles the back of his head, closes his eyes. “I love you.”

“I love you,” Buck mumbles, voice muffled by Eddie’s uniform. 

They’ve got faith they can make it. Piece by painful piece, they’ll put their family back together. 

**Author's Note:**

> 11 "Tell me what happened."[[return](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22885924#return1)]  
> 22 grandson[[return](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22885924#return2)]  
> 11my son (contraction)[[return](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22885924#return3)]  
> 11"My (little) sky"[[return](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22885924#return4)]


End file.
